Hope is being able to see that there is light despite all of the darkness.” ~Desmond Tutu
I spent a lot of time feeling afraid of
everything.
I had an emotional collapse, and it made life
suddenly seem terrifying. What had happened? Had the town I was living in
changed? Had my country suddenly become different?
No, I had changed
the filter through which I saw the world, from one of hope and joy to one of
fear and hopelessness.
My biggest problem wasn’t that I was feeling
terrible, but that I had unconsciously bought into the idea that the problem
was ‘out there,’ or that perhaps I had lost my mind. It frightened me to
experience that level of darkness, where everything looked gloomy and hopeless.
When We Believe Our Self-Talk and Perceptions
of Our Terrible Life
What had really happened was that, after a
series of bad experiences, I got very sad and then a whole lot sadder. I didn’t
realize that, after the initial painful problems, I was
continuing to create a lot of my upset with my thinking processes.
I was seeing—through my perception filter—only
the darker parts of life. Everything felt greyer somehow. It got gradually
worse and I became more and more entrenched in the grip of it.
Had the bad situations caused it? Perhaps, but
the real problem was that they had caused me to change my filter to grey, and I
was stuck there. The more I saw the world this way, the more I expected it. The
more I unconsciously expected it, the more evidence my senses found for me to
confirm my fears.
Therapists and books, in trying to help me get
past my sense of pain and suffering, took me back to the time when the collapse
happened, and even back to my childhood.
I established what the original problem was
and ‘worked through it.’ I agree with the necessity to work through old wounds
and baggage to a degree, and it is sometimes crucial for mental wellness.
However, for me, it was re-traumatizing and mostly just dug up old things I’d
already accepted. I found myself back at square one over and over again. Far
from recovering, I was in a circle of regression.
What kept me going back over it was simple:
The bad situations I had experienced were long over, and I had done the forgiveness and
grieving, but I was still feeling bad. The only reason I could find was that I
needed to do more healing work on the past. However, now
that I look back, it seems what was really keeping it alive was my own belief
that the problem was still there.
The Wake-Up Call
Here was a major truth bomb for me: While I’d
certainly had experiences that were traumatizing when they happened, I was the
one who was now perpetuating my pain. I had a habit of hating my life.
Did that mean it was my fault? No, I was just
doing what we all do. I had practiced feeling terrible every day, and after a
month or so it had become habit. I was a professional fearful person.
Yes, maybe the original upset or difficulties
in my life were bad, but they were no longer happening. I kept them alive two
ways: 1. Through learned habitual behavior and 2. By constantly picking over
them to find out why I still felt bad.
Don’t Put a Happy Face Sticker Over It
There’s a lot of talk now of toxic positivity
and concerns about putting a happy face sticker over problems. I do get that
people sometimes do this. It is irresponsible to run away from a real-life
problem, but I do not believe that most people who talk about toxic positivity
are really warning about that.
I believe that many people who talk about
toxic positivity are actually stuck with their filter on grey, and they are
arguing for their own limitations.
There is an increased stigma around the idea
of “love and light.” It’s become an almost contemptible topic. I agree that
it’s ridiculous to think that “love and light” is the answer to everything. But
if you feel stuck in old stuff and find that you feel less than happy about
your life, I challenge you to give it a try before disregarding it as naïve or
evasive.
Positivity gets a bad rap in certain places on
the internet, but please remember this idea that we don’t have to dwell in the
difficulties is age old and has been supported by mystics and gurus since the
beginning of time.
As the old Buddhist saying states, “Pain is
inevitable; suffering is optional.” I get that there is a time and a place for
facing pain—dealing with circumstances and processing grief is incredibly
important. But we do not need to suffer beyond the original pain.
How to feel the Pain Without Getting Caught in
Suffering
Yes, you’ll encounter difficulties, and
sometimes they will be terrible, awful, and shocking. However, once you’ve done
the initial processing and the grieving process is well under way, there is a
lot to be said for introducing a happy face sticker! Not to go over the wound,
but to go alongside it. We don’t need to dwell in toxic positivity or negativity.
What do I mean by initial processing of
difficulties in life? It will be different for everyone and it depends on the
circumstances, but what I really mean is this: Allow yourself a reasonable time
to feel the feelings and then make efforts to move forward with your life!
No one would expect you to be happy the day
after you witnessed some horrible crime or after the death of a loved one.
This is ridiculous and what is really meant by toxic positivity—the notion that
you should be happy all of the time regardless of your circumstances.
But there comes a time when we have to choose
to shift our perspective and find reasons to smile, because it only happens if
we make it happen.
Put a Happy Face Sticker Next to it and Start
Hanging Out There
If you really hate your life, you may have
gotten to the stage where you have started to believe it will never get better.
Take it from someone who knows, this isn’t true. You are awake and breathing
now, so there is still hope to turn everything around. I did. I am no more
special than you, I have no special skills. If I can, so can you.
If you are clinically ill, get help, that is a
given. If you are unsure, reach out to a medical professional and get
assistance and their opinion. This is a must!
Once you are sure that you do not need medical
intervention, be a risk taker and try the much maligned “positive thinking and
action” methodology below.
What I suggest below is what I did, and it
worked for me. It has worked for clients. Does this mean it will work for you?
No, not necessarily, and perhaps you will do it slightly differently. But
hopefully you will be able to understand the essence of what I’m suggesting and
give it a try.
You have nothing to lose and everything to
gain.
4 Ways to be Happier (The Not-So-Magic
Formula)
Firstly, suspend the idea of not wanting to
buy into “toxic positivity” and try this twenty-minute morning routine for a
couple of weeks. I have never had anyone report that it made them feel worse.
Exercise as soon as you get out of bed.
Okay, go to the bathroom first! After that,
take two to ten minutes to do some stretches, weights, or aerobic exercises.
Put on some music and then get started.
I do fifteen minutes every morning with two
little weights and a resistance band. I do five minutes on my legs with the
resistance band, five minutes on my core on the floor or with the weights, and
five minutes with the weights on my arms. My body looks better, and it gets my
good-feeling chemicals pumping.
Make a few sheets of goals, quotes, or a
vision board.
Put them up in the area where you will be
doing your exercises, and read or look at them as you move to get into an
empowered mindset. You can include pictures, quotes, or ideas.
I have thirteen sheets and a load of sticky
notes. I don’t read everything perfectly every day, but I read most of it every
day as I work on my arms. I have mainly quotes from my favorite
transformational authors, as I’m not a massive fan of setting specific goals,
but whatever you choose is up to you.
Gratitude journal.
Take one minute and list three things you
are grateful for. This is a minimum requirement. If you have time, consider
writing intentions for the day or listing the ways in which you feel the
Universe has helped you lately.
Even if you feel that there are twenty things
that you could complain about, if there is one good thing, write about that.
A great addition to these exercises is to look
back over previous days and notice how much you have to be grateful for or how
many of your intentions you have met. If you think you haven’t met any of your
intentions, remember that isn’t true! If you are writing your gratitude journal
on more than one day, you are showing up for you and keeping it up somewhat. A
huge number of people will not even get so far.
Be compassionate with yourself and grateful
that you have shown some dedication to yourself, however small that effort may
seem at first.
Listen to something motivational and upbeat
every morning.
I do this while I am getting dressed or doing
my to-do list. I watch something that talks about empowerment, what we can achieve,
what is right with me and the world rather than what is wrong.
Is it to stick my head in the sand or deny
that there’s anything wrong in the world? No, it’s so that I am pumped and
empowered to actually take on the task of living life.
There is so much free content out there on
social media that you can access. Do a social media search and start finding
material that uplifts you and gets you thinking positively and with purpose
every day.
No one gets excited about facing pain or the
destruction stretched out in front of them. So, even when there are difficult
things to face, it’s crucial that we can somewhat reframe it so that we can see
it as a positive challenge rather than solely a painful experience.
When we do this, it is not to be irresponsible
or to avoid the reality, but rather to give ourselves the best chance of being
able to embrace what we need to do with enthusiasm and a good energy. This way
we are more use to ourselves, the people around us, and the world
Takeaway: Summary of the Plan to Shift Out of
the Pain
You don’t like your life… Okay, no need to
panic.
Take a moment to check if you might need
medical assistance. If you’re not sure, reach out to a health professional.
Once you’ve done this and are sure you don’t have a clinical reason for feeling
so bad about life, ask yourself if you are expecting yourself to feel better
before you’ve had a reasonable time to grieve or recover from a recent event.
If something bad has happened, you will need
time to feel it and process it. The world does seem to
encourage us to always feel great, and this isn’t realistic. Our minds
naturally want a simple solution and to get away from processing a painful
experience, but it only prolongs it in the long run. Make sure you are not
rushing a sensible grieving process.
Equally, if you hate your life today, check in
with yourself and ask yourself if you are perhaps just having a bad couple of
days. No one feels happy all of the time, and it is unhealthy to expect
yourself to do so.
Once you’ve checked for a medical reason and
that you don’t have a temporary and reasonable explanation for why you feel so
bad, consider trying the ideas above and seeing what a positive start to your
day might do for you.
Do it for a month and see what changes.
Perhaps starting your day with movement,
motivation, and gratitude will not work, but I’d be surprised if it didn’t!
Will it solve all of your problems? No, of course not. But hopefully, it will
give you a boost of positivity and a sense of hope and show you that you can
make changes that can help you to feel better about your life.
Once you see that small changes can make
a big difference, you will get excited about all the other things you can
change and improve in your life. It takes you out of reverse gear and into
first. It may seem small, but it’s a start, and a very positive one at that!
Source: https://bit.ly/37RXRjX
About the
author
Kat is a storyteller and intuitive energy reader. She is
here with the message from Universal guidance that, in order to experience a
meaningful and fulfilling life, we must “Open Our Hearts.” Kat spreads this
message through personal 'healing intuitive readings', her books and free
social media content. All of these can be found on www.ksabbott.com.
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