BY
It is difficult dealing with a family member who is
struggling with an addiction. It takes intentional listening, meaningful
communication, avenues for change, and self-care to persevere.
Here are a few helpful suggestions:
1.
Listen.
Pay attention to what your loved one is saying and doing. Listen
to both verbal and no-verbal cues. What are the warning signs? Those struggling
with addiction will usually voice warning signs, or these can be found in their
body language. One parent I worked with said she could tell her teenage son was
struggling because he was no longer himself. Signs he showed were constant
restlessness, sleeping during non-traditional hours, and irritability. After
doing a sweep of his room she found a stash of drugs. It wasn’t until the
family confronted the matter that they knew what was actually going on.
2.
Talk.
The worst thing you can do is keep quiet. It’s important to keep
the lines of communication open to your family member who has an addiction.
Asking questions and seeking answers is not being invasive, in fact, it shows
them you really care. Even if your loved one is not forthcoming, keep pursuing
them, and don’t be afraid to ask them questions. Supportive questions are
helpful, for example, “How are you doing?” and “Is there something we can talk
about?” Talking does not have to equate to confrontation. Remember to be kind,
attentive, and honest.
3.
Tough love.
This is a term that you might have heard about. But what does it
really mean? Tough love is really honesty. It is how we speak the truth to what
really matters. It is really the act of climbing out of denial and
demonstrating to your family member that you want to help them, and not enable
them. This can mean taking away certain privileges, or not lending them money
or material goods. These should not be seen as punishments, but rather
protective measures. Trust your instincts. While it may seem “tough” to do,
it’s really showing them that you care. A former client of mine shared how
angry he was at his wife for asking him to leave, but it ended up being a
catalyst for stopping his drinking. Years later he can’t stop showing how
appreciative he is for what she did.
4.
Pave a way.
Always keep the door open for your family member to change.
Don’t lose hope. It may take a long time to change. But, never give up hope. It
does not mean you tolerate the addiction; it means you have faith that things
can get better. But keep in mind it is never a guarantee. Paving a way means
providing them the opportunity to change. It’s okay to help them get into a
rehabilitation program (even pay for it if you have the means), it is okay to
offer to go to a 12-step meeting with them, it is okay to pave the way. This
does not mean enabling, in fact, you have to set good boundaries and free
yourself of blame and responsibility for their addiction. You can be a help
agent and yet not carry a heavy burden.
5.
Self-care.
Helping a family member can be stressful. There may be days when
you feel you can’t take it any longer. Please take care of yourself. Take time
for relaxation. Spend time with family members who are not struggling with
addictions. Keep yourself surrounded by positive people. Take up a hobby, get
good exercise, and eat well. Practice prayer, mediation, or mindfulness
activities. You are of no help to your family member if you are burned out. Be
kind and gentle to yourself. Remember, you are not Hercules and change doesn’t
happen overnight. I have a client who is very spiritual and each day she says a
prayer for her cousin who is addicted to heroin. It helps her to know she is
giving it up to her higher power and she rests better knowing it is not in her
hands.
Practicality:
1.
What can you do today that would be helpful for your family
member who has an addiction?
2.
What do you need to let go of that might relieve you of
self-guilt, pain, or frustration?
3.
What self-care activity can you do this week?
4.
Who can you reach out to who can understand and be of help and
encouragement to you?
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